I have faced many challenges in my life, but one will forever go down in history as the most overwhelming, challenging and dangerous task I have ever conquered…Trader Joe’s. I used to hold happy memories of the grocery store from when I was a child and me and my brother would scour the walls to find the hidden monkey and were rewarded with delicious lollipops or stickers. But I know now that that’s simply a front. A distraction curated by the evil masterminds behind Trader Joe’s to keep children ignorant of the true nature of the store.

As I grew up, I traveled to the wretched place less and less until it had been years since I last entered the store and then they finally lured me back. My mother sent me on an errand with a list of groceries I needed to collect and because fate decided, I must brave the isles of Trader Joe’s. They put a bookstore right by it, and I simply could not resist the beautiful bait of a new book before returning home. So I made the naive decision to shop at Trader Joe’s.

The large glass doors opened up to reveal the chaos hidden behind the walls of the store. People crowded every corner, children screamed, giant carts full of food were strewn about precariously and there I stood a needle in the haystack of produce with no time to retreat from my mission. I began in the cheese section wedging my way between bodies to snag the pepper-jack I needed. Then I zig-zagged my way through cart after cart collecting the other assorted items needed for dinner. Basket in hand I pushed my way through to the check out lines to mind my hardest challenge of all…the waiting. I am not famous for being patient and I knew immediately that not a single line would be under half an hour with at least four people in each pushing carts FULL of food, I was done for. I fought for my life to keep my place in line and plan my escape route for when I was finally able to leave. Finally, it was my turn. I bagged with ample speed and rushed out of the store with my one paper bag in hand. At last I was in the safety of my car and right there I vowed that I would never return alone to Trader Joe’s. It was built for only the strongest of shoppers.