Beefing with Brick by Rafael Bonilha Van’t Hof

For some time now, I have had the dumbest, stupidest, worst beef possible ever: I beef with bricks. There is nothing a brick can do that I am not 10 times better at. Put me up against any brick you have ever known and I win EVERY TIME. Even at being a brick I am better. Even being evaluated by brick standards I am the better brick DAILY.

If I was to judge the main purpose of a brick, it is to prevent things and from getting past it. A brick is supposed to be a physical barrier. A single brick does nothing; it could get its ankles snatched by A BABY. It is safe to say that I would never let myself get clowned on by a baby. Besides that a single brick can’t stop anything: An ant would simply walk around it, over it, in it. Given these points, it is clear that I am a THOUSAND TIMES more powerful than a brick.

However, this analysis overlooks a key aspect of bricks: they are never used just as one, they are always in groups. Nobody ever orders one brick. They need to be a squad to have any value. This changes a lot of things. All of a sudden they can block off large spaces and become a serious barrier for the local idiot (me). And they stick them together, giving the wild squad of brick some structure which they desperately need. This makes them good candidates for becoming buildings like Shaker Heights High School. This becomes a problem for me as I can’t beat a school in a fight, especially when it comes to being a building.

After “lots” of thoughts I have come to the conclusion that I could beat a squad of 50 bricks in a fight of being the better bricks. 50 bricks just standing there can’t stop anything. Just walk around them–what are they going to do? Get up and move? They’re bricks. I am much better at being an obstacle because I can move to not get walked around. I would block much better than 50 bricks.

Next is the bricks durability. They are very strong and could probably withstand getting robbed, getting in a car crash, getting shot, and the many other forms of human violence. I might not be able to handle these, but I have something more powerful than being brick stiff: THE HUMAN SPIRIT! With the power and stupid determination of human nature I can withstand anything that gets in my way. Maybe I get robbed and lose everything, but I can simply activate stupid human mode and unrob myself.

Another advantage of the bricks is not thinking, which makes them immune to the mental damage that is the downfall of many great humans. Bricks don’t care about getting called cringe, bullied, ratioed, and the many other forms of mental damage on this planet. I think, which makes me extremely susceptible to mental damage. However, I have a counter measure for this, NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES. This makes it so I no longer have to listen to any of the people clowning me and can no longer hear what they are even saying.

My last and MOST IMPORTANT point in this comparison is that I am a better brick on the court as well. If I would ever show up to pick up basketball they would call me the wall because of the hilarious amount of bricks I would start stacking. That 50 squad would not compare to me “ballin'” out. I would brick enough to make the empire state building. 50 is nothing to the infinite bricks that I can acquire on court.

Given this very reasonable and normal argument it is clear that I am the brick master and 50 bricks could never get on my level even if they tried.  I am clearly goated with the sauce and ready to take my rightful place in a wall somewhere. PUT ME IN COACH, I’M READY TO BECOME A WALL!

5 thoughts on “Beefing with Brick by Rafael Bonilha Van’t Hof

  1. I have so many questions, but first and most important; how in the heck did this even start? Did someone just compare you to a brick one day, ? Did you try to fight one (and lose)? I’m so confused.

  2. This made me laugh a lot, your topic caught me so off-guard. This was such a fun blog to read! 🙂

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