The Best Week of My Life by Beckett Smith

It’s no secret that I’m transgender. I’m not exactly what anyone would call ‘passing’ but being trans, being a man, is such a huge part of my identity that it comes up a lot.

I decided a long time ago that I was going to medically transition. If you don’t know a lot about what that involves, there are many treatments and surgeries that trans people can get. My plan is hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and top surgery. These things seemed super far in the future until I realized that I’m 18, have a decent source of income, and am 100% capable of paying for HRT by myself.

I did my research, figured out the cheapest and easiest ways to get started and, at the beginning of January, I called Planned Parenthood and made the appointment to get the process started. The appointment was on Saturday, and it was the singular best day of my life.

I woke up at 8:30, 3 hours before the appointment was scheduled. I went to the Planned Parenthood in Kent, OH since it was one of the closest locations to offer the service as well as conveniently located for when I go to school next year. I was so nervous that I could barely eat (in hindsight, that was a huge mistake), and my dad drove down with me for emotional support.

We got there about an hour early, so we wandered around downtown Kent until 11:30. I discovered this little cafe/bookstore/music store which was amazing. I’ll definitely be spending way too much money there next year. Around 11:20 we headed up to the Planned Parenthood. I had to sign a bunch of paperwork which was boring. Thankfully, my insurance covered the appointment (not the actual testosterone though) so I only had to $25. Then I went back to the appointment room.

I was so so nervous. All week, I was terrified that something was going to happen to keep me from starting injections. Maybe I’d have to get a note from my therapist, or I’m too young, or I have to be socially transitioned for longer. It went smoothly. They asked a bunch of questions and made me sign some more stuff, figured out an injection plan, then it was time for the part I was dreading the most. The blood draw.

I hate needles, which is ironic since I have to give myself shots once a week for the rest of my life. I’ve had a bunch of blood tests done in the last year (undiagnosed chronic illness, yayyyy) so I’m used to it by now. However, you’ll remember that I said I hadn’t really eaten that day. An empty stomach combined with all of the tumultuous emotions I was feeling resulted in me almost passing out. The nurse was really nice though and brought me some juice and snacks. I sat in the room until I felt like I could stand without falling over, then went out to my dad.

Overall, it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Knowing that I won’t have to feel like I’m trapped in my own skin for very much longer is so freeing. The Planned Parenthood people were so kind and understanding, and they made me so glad that I chose that path rather than an endocrinologist. I definitely recommend Planned Parenthood for any other trans people who are thinking about HRT.

On Monday, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. What followed was the most frustrating, exhausting three days of my life. Getting my hands on all of the materials I needed took four different visits to two different pharmacies over the course of those days. But finally by Wednesday night, I was ready for my first injection.

Now, I hate needles with a passion. I wouldn’t say that it qualifies as a phobia, but it’s a close thing. That first injection took twenty minutes between prep and the time I needed to psych myself up to it. I don’t know how I felt that night. There were so many feelings battling out that I ended up just tuning it all out, and watching Rick and Morty until I passed out.

Yesterday, though, was incredible.

I know it’s just the hormones doing their thing, making me feel  good while they’re still at a high level, but I can’t help but feel like my body knows. I have spent the last five to six years trapped in a body that betrays me simply by existing and doing what it’s supposed to. It’s like a tension has evaporated, like I know down to my bones that something is changing, that something good and right is happening inside me. The world seems brighter, sharper. I feel happier and more alert then I have. It’s like there was a fog in my brain that wasn’t depression or illness, but something meant to shield me from the brunt of my dysphoria. Not even going on anti-depressants felt like this. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life.

The manic euphoria from yesterday has faded, but the feeling of rightness remains. I feel centered and happy. Joy is a foreign concept to me, but one I’m re-learning step by step. Going through a second puberty during one of the most important times of change in my life wasn’t ever the plan, but I’m excited to see how I deal with this.

4 thoughts on “The Best Week of My Life by Beckett Smith

  1. I am so happy for you, Beckett!!! I am so happy you feel more like yourself. It is so impressive how much research and planning you put into preparing for this, and I am so glad it is all going well!

  2. I have noticed the new joy (“feeling of rightness”) on your face. I hope that very soon, you will have to write “Joy is a foreign concept to me,” in the PAST tense.

  3. YES BEST FRIEND!!!!!! so glad to be able to witness you blossom into the beautiful flower that you are 🙂 <3 love u

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