who am I in space? by Jocelyn Ting

who am I in space?
am I the astronaut?
the technician?
what is my role?
I am in a play for the first time and I am getting tired of myself so quickly
of one mood
I tell myself to explore every emotion I have felt.
I admire my boyfriend because he is the master of acceptance
he knows that we are not so varied
we are not a 3 minute piece of music
we do not need Rises and Falls
sometimes days, weeks can be a monotone.
we are not spectacle actors
this is not a play
since 7th grade I have not been single a single year
in space
cold, lonely floating
beholden to no one
held by no one
Today in blocking I was uncomfortable in my space
I wanted my director to give me every block
play with fork
slam fork
stage left
sit on the table
but she did not
instead, I flailed
walking, “I should be doing something right now”, turning back, sitting, sitting is comfortable, standing standing
standing is not
they are both stillness
but standing, the potential tells me “I should be doing something right now”
sitting the inertia tells me what to do
I am a creature of momentum, inertia
I follow the laws.
The beginning of every spacewalk I lose my orientation
the ground no longer has to be down
I think to myself- “What should I do now?”
I like to paint the sky
or watch the sky paint itself.
This is an easy choice the sky is beautiful
and I have watched many movies where the characters spend hours
staring out the window
there is sonorous music so it must be valuable.
I see a painting in my room and wonder if it is crooked
so I can wonder if I should straighten it
because it is something I have seen people do with their time
I wonder if they know something about balance that I do not
if their paintings don’t slip right back down

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