Trump Responds to Roy Moore’s Loss in Diary By Lily Roth

Dear diary,

To put it straightly and forwardly — what other way is there besides straight — today sucked like a dehydrated camel. SAD! I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. WRONG! I got my nails painted by some Mexican chicos and went on to sign some boring documents because Mike said they’ll help me stay rich. I signed off on something about net neutrality, although, I’m still not sure what that means. I think it has something to do with the gays. Ha! After throwing a few darts at a dartboard with Eminem’s face on it, me and Roy went to get our tan on. After my makeup was done me and RoRo went to his campaign party. Thank GOD everyone there looked like me! I felt so at home. Tremendous! It was a great party too. Instead of paying for Melania’s next boob job, I lent the money to Roy so he could make a YUGE campaign ad on Christian Mingle. Anyway, the party was POPPIN and just as I got on stage to accredit his win to me, someone pulled up the results. The New York Times projected Joug Dones as the winner, but they’re a fake news source so what they say doesn’t even count. I kept my head up, and my toupee, because the night wasn’t over. After seven pieces of cake I felt sleepy and took a nap in KellyAnne’s lap.

The complete and utter silence is what woke me up. I’m not used to being around people that can close their mouth. I rubbed the yellow crust — no big deal, occurs from my orange self-tanner — out of my eyes and some randos what’s up. Apparently Roy …. L ….. Lo….. LOST. He was crying like a baby but, like, dude are you serious? Can’t he realize what this will do to #MeToo? Whatever. I am mad. And sad. And not happy.

But life goes on for a Stable Genius like me.


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