I Am in Control by Claire Ockner

I am in control, at least that’s what I tell myself

I control these words,

I control the steadiness of my breath,

I control what I say, what I do,

And when I do it.

 

I control what I think, don’t I?

Or do you — the part of me that is not me,

The part I can’t control.

Breathe in, breathe out

I am in control.

 

They’re just busy, I say

No, they’re dead, you reply

And then I spiral and spiral

And it just won’t stop —

Breathe in, breathe out

I am in control.

 

I keep you safe, you tell me

All you do is hold me back

From everything, absolutely everything.

Breathe in, breathe out

I am in control.

 

You are gone, for now

I’m sure you’ll come back, though

Today is mine, and mine only

I am in control.