Whew, what a week! The past few days I’ve woken up and just felt different — something has changed. For days, I pondered the cause, but I couldn’t place my finger on precisely what had changed. Then, it donned on me: America is becoming great again! Seriously, guys, you can feel the greatness in the air! I’ll be honest — I had my doubts about letting an Oompa Loompa with anger issues run our country, but it’s been great so far! I’ve learned this week that I can actually never be wrong. I used to just admit when I didn’t know something, sheepishly grinning and asking for the correct answer and an explanation, but now, I can just cite Alternative Facts™! Just this past Friday, in Fact™, one of my teachers handed back a test. I noticed one of my short answer questions was marked wrong, and I was so confused. I asked my teacher, and he explained that I got the Facts™ wrong. I laughed, and explained to him that I was just using Alternative Facts™. He refused to give me my points back, however, so I told him to expect a visit from Sean Spicer to investigate his wrongdoings.
Some of you may be under false impressions about many topics, having been conditioned to believe Facts™ that have been wrongly forced upon you up until this point. Never fear — I’m here to provide you with a list of the top 5 Alternative Facts™ to alleviate some confusion!
1. Hillary Clinton was running (Still runs??!!!?!) an illicit underage sex-trafficking ring out of a pizza shop in D.C.
2. Dinosaurs are actually alive right now, but they’re invisible.
- They are actually the cause of hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, etc. #science
3. Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.
4. The periodic table is used only by girls, and it’s purpose is to track menstrual cycles.
5. The moon is a Chechnyan satellite disguised as a semi-planet to trick the Russians into revealing their government secrets.